Rant. Mood swings due to sobriety and other things. I'm feeling defeated.

2021.10.25 01:18 impeccablyimperfect Rant. Mood swings due to sobriety and other things. I'm feeling defeated.

Drinking helped me with pain management due to a past physical injury.
But last year, it spiraled out of control. I just couldn't drink in moderation. 1drink wouldnt be a shot. it would be a glass full of bourbon. no ice. I dont know if I was burned out from work during the pandemic or what. but
I stopped drinking 6mo ago.
I stopped associating with drinking friends.
Now days, my phone is dead silent unless someone wants something from me, or its the Dr. I've been feeling mood swings since sobriety and I tried mentioning that with the Psychiatrist that my Dr. suggested. I mentioned how I'm feeling because of my injury pain. They asked me a few other questions before concluding the appointment. A few days later I checked my patient portal online. I shuttered at the words i read from the Psych's notes. Sleep disorder. Anxiety. Memory loss. ADHD. The last one really bothered me. I'm from a generation where mental disorders weren't well recognized. hell, if you were gay, it be argued that you were mentally ill (i dont condone that). There really wasn't such thing as ADHD either. Kids were kids, and if they had problems, well thats their fault; toughen up and get over it. Pediatric (child) Physiologists? no. Any parent would refuse to believe that such mental disorder was hereditary.
I want a drink. I want to forget it all.
Theres nothing i can do, but i feel at fault if i have to accept what I've been diagnosed with. I feel pathetic, a waste of space on this sphere. I hate thinking that i shouldnt of said anything, now its like im a "snowflake", a weak fragile minded person. Those are the thoughts that have been running through my head ever since.
A drink would take all those thoughts away.
Advertisements for alcohol are more frequent around this time of the year, and my birthday is coming up soon too. Im just a passenger on a roller-coaster ride to hell at this point. I keep telling myself no free passes for my birthday. not one drink. not one...
breathes
If you have read this far into my monologue. thank you sincerely. I hate doing this but i needed to vent.
With all that I've said here,
How can i cope?
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2021.10.25 01:18 xxbidenxx Minor bug with the healing potion

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